The Plague of Perfectionism

April 26, 2022

Many messages include that they aren’t okay being themselves. People are denied what they need, and their experiences are invalidated. They must be different, they must be better. As messages stack up, it leads to the extreme version of being better – they must be perfect.

Western civilization is built on values such as individualism, independence, a strong work ethic, and capitalism. Misconstrued messages can come from these values that teach people that bigger is always better. Make more money, do more, work harder, be indepedent, and so on. Patriarchal values, gender roles, and sex differences teach men and women about unrealistic versions of masculinity and femininity.

Additionally, living in the Internet age has created an ocean of information constantly at our fingertips. Content creators have to compete for our attention. What captures our attention is the extreme, so we are barraged with exceptionlism 24/7. This becomes our new average, the standard to which we compare ourselves.

Then add in personal experiences and parenting styles. Whether your childhood rearing was healthy or tumultuous, our parents will fail us and our needs will go unmet at some point. Children internalize this as a message that they aren’t good enough or deserve to get what we need. So, we hide our emotions and needs while trying to perfect our behaviors to not get hurt again.

We learn that it’s not okay to be ourselves. We have to be better. Average is not okay and no longer beautiful.

Whether or not you call yourself a perfectionist, you have a dose of it. You may know that you can’t be perfect, but you don’t feel it yet. Here are a few ways to combat it:

Contemplate your own limitations.

You’ll only be so tall, run so fast, live so long, travel so far, meet so many people, earn so much money, be so strong and attractive, etc.

Grieve your limitations.

Feel the sadness – that’s how you accept them.

Go easy on yourself.

I cannot emphasize this enough.

Go easy on yourself for not being able to go easy on yourself.

This is difficult for most people, so start where you are. Accept yourself for who you are in this moment.

Give yourself permission to produce garbage.

“Every great wizard in history has started out as nothing more than what we are now: students. If they can do it, why not us?” -Harry Potter

Start a new hobby, then bathe in the awkwardness of doing something new.

Realize the awkwardness and frustration is the substance of growth.

Notice when your emotions become heightened.

This is a great thing to journal. It’s likely that the fear of failure is present, so dig into this moment and find the pain.

Practice committing for a few moments to experience EVERYTHING that you’re experiencing, pain and all.

The only way to heal is through the pain.

Understand that if you were perfect, you wouldn’t be you at all.

The essential nature of humanity is limitation.

It’s okay to want to be perfect, but it’s bad to need to be perfect.

If you don’t strive for perfection, you’ll definitely not get it. Just don’t require it.

By no means is this list exhaustive, and I will develop this topic much further. The reason I write about this is because it seems to be at or near the root of the pain my clients bring to therapy. Working through perfectionism has been incredibly helpful to me both personally and professionally, though I still have a long way to go.

I’ve learned that accepting my limitations reduces my need to get things right, gets me out of my head, and feel much more present, relaxed, and open with my people. I am able to find peace with myself.

Battling perfectionism has made me wonder: if everyone thought they were good enough, would there be any neuroses?

Colleen

Colleen Kidd

CSW, Marriage and Family Therapist Associate

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smoking

Smoking Addiction

BrainsWay Deep TMS is a noninvasive, FDA-cleared, outpatient brain stimulation procedure with proven clinical results to help patients to quit smoking.  Known as the addiction coil, the H4 coil was specifically designed for targeting the deep areas of the brain involved in addictions.

A large study in 14 centers examined adults who had been long-term heavy smokers, all having failed prior quit attempts using medication, therapy, or other methods. Of those that completed Deep TMS treatment, 28% achieved four consecutive weeks without smoking, most of them not smoking for at least three months after treatment.  Among all participants in the study, the average number of cigarettes smoked per week over the course of treatment was reduced by 75%.  

TMS has none of the side effects commonly found in medication to treat smoking cessation. TMS is well-tolerated with years of safety data supporting Deep TMS. Patients may initially experience minor headaches or pain at the site of treatment which typically subside after the first few sessions. There is no preparation, no anesthesia, and patients are able to resume daily activities immediately after each treatment session. Treatments are done in our office. Each treatment session lasts 25-30 minutes. They are done daily on weekdays for 3 weeks followed by a weekly session for another 3 weeks.

BrainsWay Deep TMS offers a fresh approach that may help to quit smoking using cutting-edge neuroscience. Clinically proven and well-tolerated, Deep TMS is the first non-invasive technology that is FDA-cleared to treat smoking addiction.

addiction

OCD

Deep TMS has recently be approved by the FDA for treatment of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).  OCD traditionally has been treated primarily with exposure psychotherapy, and while it is also treated with medication such as fluvoxamine, OCD does not respond well to medication management.  Medication improves symtpoms greater than 30% in only 50% of patients, and half of OCD patients stop taking their medication due to side effects.  And while exposure therapy might improve OCD, as many as 80% of patients continue to have symptoms after psychotherapy, according to some studies.

BrainsWay Deep TMS is a noninvasive, FDA-cleared, outpatient brain stimulation procedure with proven clinical results for improving the symptoms of OCD.  The technology stimulates the brain using its patented H-coil, known as the H7 coil, resulting in a deep and broad penetration of the magnetic field into areas of the brain that are affected in OCD. Deep TMS is safe and well-tolerated, has a very low rate of side effects, and does not require anesthesia.  

Research has proven a higher level of improvement using Deep TMS.  Almost 68% of OCD patients were able to reduce symptoms by more than 30%, and 87% of those who responded saw sustained improvement for at least a year.

depression

Depression

Major depression was the diagnosis first approved for treatment with TMS, and it is still the most commonly treated condition. Most patients are treated with TMS after failures of medications and psychotherapy, as insurance companies will pay for TMS treatment only after medication failures.  However, TMS treats depression much better than medication, and some would argue that TMS should be the first treatment instead of the last.  

When patients have not improved with medication, they are considered to be “treatment-resistant”. And in treatment-resistant depression, TMS treatment results in significant improvement, defined as more than a 50% reduction in symptoms, in more than 80% of patients.  And more than 60% of patients achieve remission.  That is a very high and a very impressive number of people who are happy for the first time in many years after TMS treatment.

TMS treatments for depression are done in a series of 36 treatments.  Patients have a 20-minute treatment 5 days a week for six weeks followed by 6 more treatments in a tapering schedule over three more weeks. No preparation is needed, and there is no recovery time.  After each treatment, patients are able to leave and go about their day.  Except for a rare seizure, which occurs in 1 of 1000 patients, TMS has only minor side effects of mild headache or scalp soreness in the first few days. 

It is said that after successful TMS treatment, that there is a 50% chance of relapse of depression within the first year.  However, at Hagan Health we consider that statistic to be too high, and our relapse rate is lower.  While treatments are done by certified and experienced treaters, Dr. Hagan is closely involved in determining the location and strengths of settings to provide the most accurate treatment.  In addition, Dr. Hagan meets with patients every week or two before and during treatment, and periodically after treatment, in order to insure the best possible results.  Depression varies from patient to patient, and it is important to get the know the patient and the thoughts, feelings, and circumstances that might lead to relapse.  Using cognitive therapy techniques, patients are taught to be aware of triggers and to be prepared with the cognitive tools used to reduce the chances of relapsing. 

TMS for Anxious Depression

Recently TMS has been cleared by the FDA for treatment of Anxious Depression.  This condition is one in which anxious distress is a major part of the clinical picture while depression remains the predominant diagnosis.  Anxiety which is treated along with depression is also significantly improved, while TMS is not currently considered appropriate for the treatment of anxiety without depression.

Dr. Hagan Bio

So the lesson Al taught me was about my lack of happiness related to feelings of inadequacy. Even though I had become a brain surgeon, I did not have a healthy self-regard. Al explained to me that my father, in his drive to succeed and to push me to succeed, would never let me savor a victory, that whenever I achieved something important, he would ask, . “How could you have done it better?” Or “what is next?”. He was setting the bar at perfection, such that nothing less than perfection was going to be good enough. Al said, “Nobody is perfect”, and that I would be much happier deciding what degree of imperfection I was going to settle for. When one sets the bar at perfection, then every effort falls short of perfection and is therefore a relative failure, it becomes yet more evidence of one’s belief that he is fundamentally flawed and inadequate. He said that we are all always doing our best, and that is not fair for my father or for me myself to tell myself that I am not good enough. It was the single most important piece of wisdom that I would learn for the next several decades, and I have told this story many times to those who, like me, grew up to have similar issues.

After seeing Al for a year, another year or two went by. One day at church I was listening to a talk from a psychotherapist who had grown up in a family in which his mother was an alcoholic and his father was a workaholic. His story sounded so much like mine that I decided to see him professionally to “learn more about this garbage in my head”. I saw Paul for two years.

A few years later, life had become quite stressful. I was married with three small children, practicing neurosurgery full time and doing some farming on the side. It was at this time that I started seeing my third therapist, the one that I would see for most of the next 10 years. Keith was a psychiatrist, an MD like me, who did only psychotherapy. A few months after starting my therapy with Keith, I realized that I liked what he did better than what I did. The process of therapy is that of developing an increasing awareness of how one got to be the way he or she is, starting with childhood issues. Specifically, this type of therapy is called “psychodynamic psychotherapy”.

Dr_Hagan
Terry

Three years into my experience with Keith, I made the final decision that I would rather be a psychiatrist, because I came to love the process of developing insight into one’s own psychology. As I closed my neurosurgery practice and completed a residency in psychiatry, I was so grateful the entire time for the opportunity to turn myself into a psychiatrist. “Who gets to do that?!” Years later a patient was looking at the books on my bookshelf and asked, “So you were a neurosurgeon; did you like it?” I had been asked many times why I decided to give up neurosurgery to become a psychiatrist, but no one had ever asked if I liked neurosurgery. The answer had to be that no, I did not. I did not like who I was. But I have loved psychiatry from the very beginning, and I really appreciate the contribution it has had in my own personal development.

But because of my heavy early experience in psychotherapy, I also became proficient and experienced in both psychodynamic psychotherapy and in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). And I attended the Cincinnati Psychoanalytic Institute for a year to take my psychotherapy skills to a higher level.

During the 17 years that I have been practicing psychiatry, I have continued to grow. The most gratifying experiences I have had have been when I have settled into a psychotherapy relationship with a patient, while there have been many, others with whom I have combined psychiatry with psychodynamic therapy, practicing psychodynamic psychiatry.

Terry
Dr. Hagan Bio

During these same years, I have also been on several mission trips, which have given me perspectives that I would never have learned otherwise. The concepts of loving your neighbor, giving of your time and resources, being kind and gentle and gracious, have come to define me.

I have always been at the head of my own practice, managing my own business. I have experience with other businesses as well, such as being a successful alpaca breeder for 10 years. “They do not teach business in medical school.” In a growing psychiatry practice, running the business is something you learn from necessity.